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how to do it dear
I am a 50-something straight man in a healthy relationship with a woman whom I love deeply and find very sexy and attractive. Our sex lives are active and fulfilling, and we communicate very openly about everything, including sex. We enjoy experimenting and are sexually compatible. But she doesn’t know what I think when it comes to orgasm.
I practically always think about other women during sex. I play the porn reel in my mind. All my life, whether it’s having sex with a partner or masturbating, I basically act out my own little personal porn productions. In both cases there isn’t much difference in what goes through my mind as I reach climax. I know your advice almost always centers on openness and communication, but I honestly think that even the best possible discussion about this would crush my partner.
I tried to redirect my thoughts many times to no avail. Sex is great. But for the climax, I turn to the X-rated highlight reel. I know repressed desires seem to be the perfect explanation for why I do it, and maybe that was true when I developed the habit, but ironically, my partner is probably more than happy to do anything unpleasant if he thinks it’s going to happen. can do A turn for me. So what do people think about especially during sex? Is it disrespectful to my partner to think about someone other than him during intercourse? Is there hope for changing a lifelong sexual habit?
Stoa: I mean, people think about all kinds of things during sex.
Rich: I think ideally—and this is a very subjective recalculation of what’s ideal—but to me, the best sex is when you get into a flow state where you’re not really thinking about anything. You’re just experiencing the kind. You’re not always going to get there. And so, there are many different methods that people use to get over the edge. Some may need sex toys. We hear from people with vaginas, “I use a vibrator to get off. That’s how I do it. There is nothing else that is going to do it for me. Can I do it with a partner?” And I always say, “Yes, of course.” With a lot of this stuff that gets you over the edge, it’s good, well, what you’ve got to do.
Stoa: As much as this guy thinks about his X-rated highlight reel, some men think about something not so exciting to avoid orgasm sooner than they want. Sometimes my brain just goes to weird places—from the grocery list to a scene that’s like a dream, one of those surreal and spiraling kinds of dreams.
Rich: When my mind wanders, I’m always trying to get it back. It’s like a meditation, really, where a thought comes and it breaks your concentration and you just say, “Oh, I see that thought. I can just shift my attention away from that thought. I see the thought and what I’m doing.” I can keep trying.” But I really think that during the best sex for me, it’s not even a problem. It is this kind of experience that is beyond thought and words.
Stoa: Clearly, the flow state is great. But having multiple orgasms inherently involves either taking a step forward, or it’s really taking a step forward and then taking a step back.
Rich: Got it. right
Stoa: At that point, it either becomes hallucinogenic, or in an off-the-cuff moment it’s like, “Oh, I’ve got to get things for the floor that muffle the scraping of chair legs because I can hear cats playing on the chair.” But I don’t really think anyone would be happy if I went, “If you can take a break, I mean, I guess you can continue. Just let me grab my phone and put it on the grocery list.” So I don’t know why I felt the need to contextualize, but–
Rich: No no. I love it.
Stoa: We hear from people who care about a certain ex. We hear from people who care about their specific fetishes. And one thing that’s happening to me is that even though it wasn’t a thing in his formative years, when he says “play the highlight reel” like a porn highlight reel, a lot of men who watch porn now swallow it.
I believe women too, but we don’t necessarily hear from women who like mainstream porn too much. But through his viewing habits, it has now become part of his sexual response. Something to think about is the specific pattern of porn use. I’m not necessarily sure it’s bad except for what she’s holding back in an otherwise very openly communicative relationship.
Rich: right And he admits that by revealing this information, it might really hurt someone’s feelings. So if that’s the only real effect, you’re expressing for formality’s sake. If you know you have this piece of information that would be harmful if disclosed, and you’re not breaking any rules no As it turns out, I think it’s best to keep it to myself.
Stoa: I wonder if he thinks – because he knows about the woman he’s dating – that it will crush him, or if he thinks telling someone about it will crush them. Because he seems to enjoy experimenting and novelty and variety, and he says he’ll be up for anything he can possibly think of. So there’s also a decent chance that she might be like, “Oh, that’s actually hot. Tell me what you think.” Or “Oh, let me tell you what I think when I decide I want to have an orgasm.”
Rich: I’m not sure if there’s been any research on this, but it seems reasonable to spend a large portion of your sexual life experiencing porn in this particular mode, i.e., audio-visual stimulation, and then be inclined to continue doing so. experience when they are having sex. You get so used to its cinema that it takes you over the edge. It’s not your fault. That’s just the way it goes.
You might see it as a kind of cable. Maybe you’re not naturally wired that way, but you’re wired that way. If you’re having great sex otherwise, and it’s just about getting over the hump with it, I think you can think about whatever you want. We get several questions along these lines: Conceptualizing during sex – how ethical is it? How much should you share? And I generally believe that it would be ideal to just focus completely on your partner and not have anyone else in the world in your periphery, but sometimes people have to do that and that’s okay.
Stoa: I’m thinking of someone who wrote to us in August who made a very detailed argument against the principle of allowing us to think about other people during sex.
Stoa: So with that in mind, if she thinks her partner would really have a problem with it, I think it’s best to tell her in the kindest, gentlest way possible and let her make her decision now, never, ever reveal it, lest she be haunted by it for years later. had to admit to leaving something out that she knew would upset him.
Rich: I believe what you are saying is that the inference should come directly from the indication. If he says something like, “Yeah, I really don’t like it when my partner’s mind wanders during sex,” or “I hate thinking that my partner is thinking about someone else,” the assumption is fair. Otherwise, it’s just a projection. Projection does not galvanize you.
Stoa: If he doesn’t say something that clearly communicates it would be a problem for him if he knew about it, there’s no need to bring it up. There is no need to discuss a subject if he has reason to believe it will upset him, but also has reason to believe it will no Be a deal breaker.
Rich: Yes. So it’s very specific advice. You should move away from reporting that you have already collected during the relationship.
Stoa: Should we just make a decision tree? If this, then this. If so, then that.
Rich: I think the larger rule we’re talking about here is base your decisions on the evidence. Use context. But if you create possible scenarios that really matter in your mind about how your behavior could be problematic, you can save yourself and not create problems where there aren’t any. One.
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It recently came out that someone at work had porn when they were young. This porn doesn’t match his apparent view (he is married to a woman). We are a relatively small workplace, so it gets close quickly. Our boss probably knows this time.